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What To Do When Relatives Commit a Homicide-Suicide Written by Donna Cohen, Ph.D. Office: (813) 974-4665 When a homicide-suicide occurs, the perpetrator, usually a man, kills one or more victims, usually a wife or intimate, and then commits suicide, usually immediately. In addition to the dead victims, surviving family members, friends, and co-workers become victims as well. Deborah Spungen refers to surviving family and friends as the co-victims. Co-victim refers to the new role families and others are forced to play as a result of the homicide-suicide. There is no way to escape the trauma that begins with being notified of the deaths or witnessing the scene. The perpetrator of the homicide-suicide has left two or more people dead, you had no control over what happened, and you must deal with the consequences of the event. The homicide and suicide shatter the equilibrium of your life, because family members or close friends died suddenly and violently. Immediately following the homicide-suicide you are confronted with many tasks—talking with law enforcement officers conducting the investigation, identifying or viewing the bodies of the deceased at the medical examiner or coroner office, talking with media, visiting the crime scene, having the crime scene cleaned, preparing for the funeral, dealing with family, friends, and others who want to help. If the homicide-suicide is not successful, and the perpetrator survives, you may need to deal with the criminal justice system—arrest, jail, bond, finding a lawyer, and perhaps a trial. The families we have worked with over the years have taught us how they lived through the ordeal. They have helped us learn about the complex circumstances leading to homicide-suicide, the mourning process, changing family relationships, the long term impact of homicide-suicide, and the challenge of rebuilding their lives. Most have said that their lives are changed forever by the experience. There are many things you can do not only to cope with the ordeal but also to prevail and get on with life. Understanding that you are victimized by older relatives who die in homicide-suicide gives you a framework to think about and deal with the many tasks ahead of you. There are professionals and resources to help you deal with your traumatic grief, mourn your losses, and heal yourself. After a homicide-suicide your life will never be the same. However, there are things you can do to become a survivor and integrate the experience of the tragedy into a stronger sense of self. The Emotional Impact of Homicide-Suicide After a homicide-suicide, there are many natural reactions, and they will likely last for a very long time.
Every conceivable human emotion may be provoked by a homicide-suicide; shock, numbness, anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, shame, and pain. When loved ones have died this way, it is natural to be very angry with the perpetrator. Many say they can perhaps understand that a father or grandfather would kill himself, but believe that it is unacceptable to kill a wife, sister, or other relative. Some family members describe the anger as so intense and uncontrollable that it scares them, because they have never felt this way before. Anger towards the perpetrator can be intense and last a long time. Some family members say that their anger is confusing; it is a combination of anger towards the deceased, anger coupled with guilt because they should have seen it coming, and anger combined with shame that this happened in the family. Some family members fight, often blaming each other for not seeing the signs or not recognizing the depression. This is very common in siblings as well as adult children of the deceased. Feelings of anger and rage are normal. Co-victims frequently vent their anger on people around them—family, friends, law enforcement officers, and professionals working with the family. Anger is an emotional response to block painful emotions, and getting angry is a way to get rid of the tension, anxiety, guilt, hurt, and frustration. The grief can be overwhelming. Shock, sadness, and confusion may last for weeks, months, or longer. It is not uncommon to cry uncontrollably, to become irritable, angry, and even scream and rage, to feel helpless and hopeless, and to withdraw from others. The immediate grief is only the beginning of the experience. You may have the roller coaster of emotions to the homicide-suicide long after the incident has occurred, sometimes a year and often more. Homicide-suicides are violent deaths that usually lead to a traumatic grief. Two or more loved ones have died suddenly, and it is important to get professional help to work through the emotional impact. Normal grieving and mourning do not always apply to this type of death because it is a violent death. You may have intense reactions for long periods of time, but your reactions are not peculiar or signs of weakness. It was the violence of the homicide-suicide that was unusual. Questions every co-victim asks are, "Why did this happen?" or "Why did this happen to me?" or "Why did Dad kill Mom?" or "What could I have done to prevent it?" There are usually no certain answers to these questions. Even when the deceased perpetrator and victim have had a history of arguments and domestic violence, these same questions arise. With two or more parties deceased, family members obsess about circumstances leading to the homicide-suicide. Guilt and shame are also common emotions. Guilt, like anger, is a normal reaction, but if it goes on too long, it interferes with mourning. Family members often become obsessed with what they could and should have done or what they did not do. Family and friends may recite a list of "if only’s." "If only we hadn’t moved away." "If only I had realized what Dad meant when he called and said he couldn’t take it any more." "If only . . ." Blaming oneself can be adaptive in the early phases of grief because it allows you to make some sense of what happened. However, there is a time to stop blaming yourself because there is nothing you can do to change what happened. On the other hand, you can focus your energies on healing yourself. Even the most competent and resourceful individuals can be devastated by the homicide-suicide. It is not a sign of personal weakness to feel a roller coaster of emotions, to be incapacitated by them, and to reach out for help. Homicide-suicide is a traumatic event, and the natural response is to review and judge what happened. Feelings of guilt are universal, and they can be overcome. When Family Relationships Are Not Loving Not all family members care for and love each other. If you have been estranged or emotionally distant from older parents and other family members who die in a homicide-suicide, you may not feel grief. You may feel relieved. You may even feel they deserved it. You may also be angry that the homicide-suicide occurred, and you now have to interrupt your life to deal with the investigation, the funeral, the estate, and other issues. You may feel that they are better off dead, or if you were closer to your mother, if she were the victim, you may feel overwhelming rage at the perpetrator. Family conflict, feuds, and hostility are part of the human condition. These negative feelings and circumstances are real, and they affect the way you act with police officers and medical examiners during the investigation as well as with health professionals and others after the homicide-suicide. It is appropriate for you to tell persons with whom you interact that you have not had good relationships with the perpetrator and the victims. You are not giving away family secrets that will cause others to think less of you. It will in fact be easier for you and others to deal with what needs to be done. You have at least three options in these situations. One is to ignore the situation. The second is to find someone else to handle what needs to be done if you have the resources. The third is to accept your hostility and do what needs to be done, keeping your emotional distance. What Happens After the Homicide-Suicide After the homicide-suicide occurs several events occur. Law enforcement officers will respond to the scene to cordon off the crime scene and begin the investigation. A medical examiner may sometimes travel to the crime scene to examine the bodies and physical circumstances. Journalists from local television stations and newspapers, who pick up the incidents on the police monitors, will also appear quickly on the scene. Even if you live far away from your deceased relatives, you may receive phone calls asking to interview you. Hopefully, you will have been notified by the police first, so you do not have to hear the news from the media. Guidelines for Identifying Dead Relatives The bodies of your deceased relatives will be taken to a hospital morgue or the office of the medical examiner or coroner. An autopsy is mandated in some states, and it is discretionary in others. Therefore, policies vary from state to state and in different medical examiner/coroner offices. When an autopsy is done, it usually occurs within 24 hours or less. In some parts of the country, the medical examiner will require a family member or significant other to identify the bodies. Some offices offer viewings on closed circuit television. If you do not want to view the bodies ask the investigating police officer or the medical examiner receptionist who else can do it for you. This is an upsetting time, but make your needs and wishes known. Some people need to see the bodies to have a sense of finality. Others do not. Do what you need to do. Sometimes the medical examiner staff will only ask a man to view the body. If you are a woman, and you want to see the body, say so. Some relatives want to touch the bodies of the deceased as a way to say goodbye. This is not a sick or unnatural act. If the body is mutilated, burned, or decomposed, the medical examiner may suggest that you not see the person or object to your viewing them. It is usually possible to prepare the body or drape it for viewing, but not always. The Police Investigation The officers who investigate the homicide-suicide will have done a thorough inspection of the scene to assess what happened and determine that this was not a double or multiple homicide. They will interview neighbors and others who knew the decedents. Many law enforcement officers refer to homicide-suicides as "closed cases." This means that there is no evidence that a third party caused the deaths. The investigating officer will interview you and other family members. If the officer gives you a brief description of the deaths and you want more information, ask questions. If you live out of the area, ask to meet with them personally if and when you come to town to deal with the aftermath of the homicide-suicide. Most sheriff and police departments have a victim’s advocate program, and they will offer a referral to you. Victim advocates are people trained to deal with the needs of families. Medical examiner records and police case files are not public records in many states. Depending upon what state you live in, access to records and photographs may or may not be permitted. In Florida these records are public record, and you have the right to see photographs taken at the scene of the homicide-suicide. The photographs are taken to be used by the homicide detective, the medical examiner, and if the perpetrator does not die, by prosecutors. If you feel the need to see the photographs, ask the detective to describe them so you can decide if you still want to see them. You may want to ask other family, friends, a victim advocate, or even a mental health care professional to be with you. Look at the photographs one at a time. You may find that you are satisfied to only see a few. These photographs become a part of a permanent file. They will not be destroyed and will be available if you wish to see them at a later time. Visiting the Scene of the Homicide-Suicide You have the right to decide whether you want to see where the homicide-suicide occurred. Most family members make this request immediately or shortly after the deaths. In some areas the police may ask if you want to visit, and they will take you there. Sometimes police officers will discourage you from doing this, especially when the scene is very bloody. The police may introduce you to a victim’s advocate who works with the police department, and they will escort you. Cleaning the Scene of the Homicide-Suicide Cleaning up the home is the unpleasant task of the family. Do not deal with the mess yourself. Consult the yellow pages to find a clean-up company. If the deceased have a home insurance policy, the clean-up may be covered. If there is no insurance coverage or the family cannot afford to hire a service, call the local fire department and ask them if they can help. Dealing With the Media The media, reporters from local newspapers and television stations, play a prominent role after a homicide-suicide. Frequently, several reporters will want interviews from you, and this may become overwhelming. You have a right to your privacy, to decide whether you want to be interviewed or not, and whether you want to provide family photographs from happier times. You can also choose a spokesperson for the family, release a written statement instead of an interview, request a specific reporter, ask to review the story before it appears, and to give an interview on television using a silhouette. Television stations usually want a quick story whereas newspapers may take a slower, more in-depth approach. Many family members report it is easier to talk with newspaper reporters than to give television interviews. The latter are more intrusive because of the camera crews, light, and commotion. There are several things you should know if you choose to be interviewed. All reporters are subject to editors who make decisions about how the story appears in the news. Although you may have given a lengthy interview, the article published in the paper or aired on television may only show brief pieces of your interview. You may be disappointed that the piece did not say what you expected, and sensationalized headlines or introductions can be very painful. Do not let yourself be intimidated by journalists. Be firm but forceful if you do not want to give an interview or if you do not want to answer certain questions during the interview. When the media call in the aftermath of a homicide-suicide, ask yourself the following questions silently:
Many newspapers have special reporters with age beats. These journalists are more aware of aging issues, and they are usually inclined to do feature stories rather than news pieces. If the reporter wants to do a feature telling the family story, who your relatives were, what kind of life they had together, and what happened before the homicide-suicide, this story can do a great deal to sensitize and educate others. Your story can show what happened so that other persons just like yourself can be more vigilant. Your story may give special meaning to your relatives. Telling your story may help in the grieving process as you talk about the value of the deceased to you and your family. Take Care of Yourself: You Can Get Sick The death of a relative, friend, or loved one may have a profound effect on you. The grief can overwhelm you, and the mourning process can be long and difficult. Living in the aftermath of homicide-suicide is akin to living in the aftermath of a rape, assault, accident, or more global events such as a war and natural or manmade disaster. Homicide-suicides are traumatic because they are sudden and unanticipated when they occur. In hindsight, you may try to untangle the chain of events that led up to the event, but no clear answers may emerge. Your lack of control over the sudden and violent occurrence of the homicide-suicide puts you at risk for depression as well as a condition known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a complex disorder that can only be diagnosed by a physician, usually a psychiatrist, or a psychologist. Some of the symptoms include flashback during the day and night to the event, a great deal of anxiety that can keep you from leaving the house, going to work, or being with others, a lack of interest in eating, lovemaking, or other pleasurable activities, and an inability to sleep. Some of the toughest and best-trained military, police, and other specially trained professionals become overwhelmed by traumatic events. Likewise, in natural or manmade disasters people are at risk for serious mental health problems. Homicide-suicide is a manmade disaster. If your home is damaged in a hurricane, storm, or flood you would get help. After a homicide-suicide, it is likely that every human being has some part of their psyche that is hurting or damaged in the same way. When someone dies, especially by homicide-suicide, your immune system is depressed, putting you at risk for health problems. The risk to your mental and physical health is a biological vulnerability. You can protect yourself from a bad flu, and you can protect yourself from the worst consequences of homicide-suicide. Please see the article Depression: Getting the Help You Need for more information on the signs of depression and a screening test for depression. Getting Help It is not a sign of weakness to get help. If you were running a business you would hire a lawyer or get a consultant to help you with a problem. Getting on with your life after a homicide-suicide will be easier if you can rely upon professionals to help you. Others in the family or friendship network may also need help. Homicide-suicides have a profound effect on the communities where they occur. Persons other than family members—significant others, neighbors and friends from church, work, clubs, and other places in the community—are also co-victims. When homicide-suicides occur in a hospital, nursing home, or assisted living residence staff become co-victims. Young children and grandchildren may be affected by the homicide-suicide. Watch them and listen to them carefully. Give them the opportunity to talk with you or someone else, but do not force them to do so. Family members may escalate fights, blaming one another for what happened and for not recognizing that something was wrong. There are very few agencies that provide service to co-victims of homicide-suicide and homicide. In contrast, there are more resources for co-victims of suicide (see links). This is partly because there has been more research on suicide survivors. Victim Advocates: Do not be afraid to talk with the victim advocates who work with the police and sheriff’s department. The medical examiner or coroner office will also usually have victim advocates working with them. These professionals will be the ones who are best informed about resources in your community. Most homicide divisions in sheriff’s departments and larger police departments will run homicide support groups. The needs of survivors of homicide and homicide-suicide are very similar, because both have had to deal with sudden, unexpected death. Mental Health Professionals: Setting up an appointment with a knowledgeable psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or mental health counselor can be one of the best decisions you ever make. The victim advocate who works with you can make a referral. You can e-mail our program staff for a referral in your area. You can also contact university medical centers, community hospitals, and community mental health centers to ask for a referral. Many communities have crisis centers listed in the yellow pages of the phone book. They will know about qualified professionals in your area. Hospice: Most hospice programs run support groups for family and friends whose love ones have died. Although these support groups are not tailored to the needs of people who have dealt with sudden, violent deaths, the sessions can help you with your grief through the mourning process. Most of the bereavement groups are time-limited. When they are over, hospice professionals can be very helpful to find mental health professional referrals for you. Finding help when you or your family do not speak English can be difficult. Call your local Area Agency on Aging listed in the phone book. The people who work there will likely know where you can go to get help. Resources Reviewed by: Vernard I. Adams, M.D. Richard Bailey Larry R. Bedore Shasi B. Gore, M.D., Ph.D. Carol Huser, M.D. Roger E. Mittleman, M.D. Joshua A. Perper, M.D. |
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